Breakups, heartbreak, going no contact and learning to move on. These are all things we will probably experience at least once in our lives, but what if you’re the one that left the relationship or walked away from the friendship, does it make any of these things easier?
Being totally transparent, this was a hard one to write.
I recently went through a separation, and it wasn’t how I expected 2024 to begin. I thought I’d found my person, and then one day we weren’t a team anymore. We had a whirlwind relationship, and I felt totally swept off my feet. I was based up North, and he was in London so we did the “long distance” thing for 6 months before we took the plunge and moved in together back down South. We were happy, and I knew I’d found my best friend when he didn’t bat an eyelid seeing me saunter around the flat with Sudocrem on my face and my silky hair bonnet on.
There was nothing we didn’t share with each other, and we had started to plan for our future and think of the adventures we wanted to embark on together. You’re probably thinking, why did you split up? It all sounds so positive? As with anything in life, nothing is ever perfect. We were both stubborn, fiery personalities and cracks started to show. I think it’s a fair analysis to say we both entered the relationship with what I can only describe as unresolved baggage and bad habits.
It’s very easy to speak badly of your ex after a break-up, to get all your friends in agreement that they were a shitty person, but the reality is that sometimes breakups aren’t down to just one person, and it would be unfair of me to not acknowledge the role I also played in the breakdown of my own relationship. I know I didn’t always handle things correctly, and I am aware I have a tendency to push people away, especially those I love, as a way of protecting myself. My mental health has been a battle for me from a young age, and it did rear its head, making things more difficult to manage. He did also have his vices that played a large part in my decision to leave. But long story short, I guess the more conflict we faced, the more our behaviours towards one another pushed us further and further apart.
When do you know it’s time to walk away? No matter how much you love someone, sometimes love isn’t enough. If you’re struggling, is it better to push through it and maybe come out stronger, or go your separate ways to avoid any potential further damage to each other? These things are never linear and there are usually several factors to think about when making the decision to separate, but in my situation, I knew I never wanted us to end up hating each other. I wish things had been different, and if I could turn back time and give us both a big shake, then I would.
Moving on is a process. You listen to the advice of family and friends, focus on new beginnings and fill your time with distractions waiting for the day you feel genuinely content again. I decided to move back North, I didn’t allow myself to wallow in sadness and tears, part of me felt I didn’t have the right to, after all, it was me that left, and it was a decision I had to own. Don’t get me wrong, I have also been focusing on new things, making plans to further my career (hello Uni for a 3rd time!), build new friendships, get my mental health back on track, and adjust to being single again at 30, which have all helped me stay relatively sane!
When relationships end, it’s hard to maintain distance, both physically and mentally. We still want to check how they are doing; we wonder what they are up to, wonder how they are handling the situation and this can be said for friendships too, do they ever miss the time you spent together and the belly laughs you shared? Having someone there one day, and out of your life the next is brutal, and we crave that temporary release of sadness, so we find ourselves tempted to reach out, convincing ourselves they would want to know about our recent life events. Myself and my ex did maintain contact, rightly or wrongly, and I know I held onto hope after my separation, thinking that once we had time and space apart to work on ourselves and be in better places mentally, that we would one day find our way back to each other. Maybe this was naive of me, but in hindsight I don’t think I wanted to shut the door completely and be strangers to each other again, and because of this I don’t think I went through the grieving process of ending the relationship, of acknowledging that the life I thought I was going to have was no longer a reality.
But time goes on, and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you start feeling like yourself again and then it happens. You hear they met someone new and you’re right back to square one. For me, the grief I should have dealt with at the beginning hit me like a ton of bricks. This meant we were really over, and there was nothing I could, or can do about it. He subsequently made the decision he doesn’t want to reconcile, and I’ve had to absolutely respect and understand that.
Trying to figure out how to move forward, knowing a relationship you once had with someone won’t ever be the same (friendships or romantic) is really bloody hard, and knowing it was your decision that lead to it adds an extra layer. I’ve experienced more emotions this past month than I have since we first split. I can’t quite believe I’m sharing this on the internet, but I said I wanted this to be an honest and relatable space. Heartbreak is not for the weak!
Jealousy, regret, sadness, anger, clarity and love have been just some of the emotions I’ve felt recently.
Even as I write this, I’m acutely aware it sounds selfish of me to be speaking of wanting to try again, and you may be thinking, it was you that left, of course he has moved on and met someone else, suck it up! And I agree, but I’d also be lying if I said it hasn’t meant my friends have had to step in and help put me back together.
I often wonder if it would be easier if we could click our fingers and take away our feelings for someone? It’s a question I’ve asked myself several times, but in reality, I don’t think that would be the answer. Even though it hurts like hell and you wonder if you’ll ever feel better, you made memories with that person, you felt happiness with them and at one time you thought you’d spend a life together, and that shouldn’t be forgotten or erased.
Breakups aren’t a one size fits all and you have to navigate them in the best way for both parties. Going no contact is often the expected next step when a relationship ends, but what if it is possible for two people to stay friends? Hearts have been fractured and it’s individual choice how you choose to put them back together again. That being said, honesty is paramount to avoid further pain and false hope.
Being the one to leave doesn’t mean it hurts less, I guess it just hits you later down the line. You question your decision, wondering if you should have fought harder. However, the reality is you make your bed and you are forced to lie in it. We know time is a great healer, but sometimes it’s best to just sit with your feelings, and not rush yourself into feeling better. You can wish that person the best, and accept maybe your journey just wasn’t meant to be.
I had a conversation recently with a friend who also made the decision to leave her relationship, and we both shared the view that no matter the circumstances that lead to that decision, the most important thing is that you do whatever is right for you in order to protect your peace and allow you to enter into a life you deserve. If later down the line, you come back together, that’s okay too. As I’ve got older, I’ve realised things have a funny way or working out how they are supposed to, but one thing is for certain, we can’t change how another person feels about us. Don’t prolong your pain chasing an idea that may never transpire.
To anyone struggling with a break-up, a confusing situationship or loss of a friendship, remember to cry when you need to, but also laugh when something’s funny. Surround yourself with good people and good vibes. Book the trip. It does help. You’re stronger than you think.
Love, G x
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