Before I start this one, this is categorically not an attack on men…I have also done my research on figures and data!
Violence against women is something we have never been able to escape. Unfortunately, the conversation tends to lean more towards what she may have done to deserve it, rather than focusing on the perpetrator and what made them commit these acts and influenced their behaviour.
The UN Women organisation has collated facts and figures on the prevalence of violence against women and girls on a global scale. 55% of femicides are committed by intimate partners or family members (UN Women, 2023). Globally, an estimated 736 million women (that’s almost 1 in 3) have experienced physical and/or sexual partner violence, non-partner violence, or both at least once in their lifetime (WHO, 2021).
In the last few months alone we have heard of how a young woman, her sister and mother were murdered in their home by her ex-boyfriend with a cross bow.
A female Olympic athlete was murdered by her ex-boyfriend after he doused her in petrol and set her alight. The 33 year old had just competed in the 2024 Paris Olympics.
A woman in France is currently seeking justice in court after discovering that her husband of 50 years had been drugging her while over 70 other men raped her over a span of 10 years, including her husband. Just to add even more horror to this story, not a single one of these men turned up with the police. Not one. They were all complicit in the abuse of this woman. She has bravely waived her anonymity to ensure this case is heard as far and wide as possible.
These stories are real, they are one Google search away, and there are plenty more that tell the same tragic tale.
It is a scary world to bring young impressionable boys into, given the power of social media and the growing rise of incel culture and the likes of arse**** Tate. These are the figures we need to stop giving platforms to. We had an actual President of the USA say the words “grab her by the pu**y” and no-one really batted an eyelid. We all heard the MeToo revelations concerning men in powerful positions. Misogyny can happen in all walks of life.
We have all heard of the nature vs. nurture debate, and we know there is evidence to suggest there are biological factors that contribute to personality traits, but we also can’t do anything to change these abnormalities in the brain. What we can do is seek to educate. I have friends with young sons and I know they all want to raise them to know right from wrong and to respect the female peers in their lives.
The age old saying “boys will be boys” isn’t good enough anymore. Children are sponges and will often take what adults say at face value, we have a responsibility to make sure young boys grow into kind and caring men with morals and values. The internet as we know is an incredible invention, and in so many ways is a positive for the world, but there is also a dark, dangerous side that is just as easily accessible.
In November 2022, the Children’s Commissioner produced a report on young people and pornography access. 1000 young people aged 16-21 were asked about their experiences with pornography exposure. The findings showed the average age children first see explicit material is just under 13. They also found that young people are significantly more likely to see violence perpetrated against a woman (65%) than against a man (29%) in explicit online content.
79% said they had seen pornography including sexual violence as children, and almost half of young people say girls expect sex to involve physical aggression, such as airway restriction and strangling. When asked their views on this type of content on the internet, they felt that explicit content at it’s core is inherently misogynistic, racist and discriminatory with very explicit categories of women.
A term that is often used in these types of conversations is “but it’s not all men”.
No, it absolutely isn’t all men, but how do we as women know which man is safe to be around and which would seek to harm us at the first opportunity? Women and girls are subject to harassment in many forms from a young age, you get boys at school cat calling, making comments about your skirt length, grown men shouting out of their car windows as you get off the school bus. You walk home at night making sure you have something sharp in your bag, “just incase”. I no longer go out in heels unless I know I don’t have to walk far and can access safe transport quickly. These are very real thoughts women have on a daily basis, can I run if I need to?
Feeling safe isn’t something anyone should have to earn, it is a right and women should be able to leave their house, wearing what they want without derogatory comments being thrown their way. We should be allowed to exist without the permission of men.
I know good men. Kind, generous, safe, great men who I would trust with my life. We know it isn’t all men. We have fathers, brothers, partners, friends and colleagues that are men and we have them in our life for a reason.
We need men to help us change the system we live in. It is easy to ignore an issue when it doesn’t affect you directly, but until men stand up against their fellow peer’s behaviour towards women and girls, when will things truly change? We need the good men out there to call out their friends when they see them being inappropriate and making someone feel uncomfortable, when the messages in the group chat take the “joke” too far, when the workplace “banter” crosses a line, and even when they see a stranger acting in a way that doesn’t sit right with them (obviously if it’s safe to confront them!).
I know there may be men that have read this and thought “but men can be victims of these crimes too” – we know, but if that’s how this post has been interpreted, then the point has been missed. This isn’t about tit for tat, it is about acknowledging that violence against women and girls is both a cause and consequence of gender inequalities. And ultimately, whether it is male violence towards women, or male on male violence, the common denominator is still men. We need men to work with us, not against us.
Love, G x
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